Not the TALK!
by DarkSkyeDawn
Summary: Kakashi-sensei sits Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura down to have THE TALK with them. Much funnyness and embarassment! Team 7 centric. NO PAIRINGS. NO FLAMES. Rated for sexual-like themes.


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters.

A/N: Heeeeeelloooo. I'm back again with a new one-shot! This idea came to me pretty suddenly at 2 in the morning, so here it is! This is based early in the first Naruto. Not any particular time, except Tsunade is Hokage. Anyways… Hope you enjoy.

**Not the TALK!**

Early in the morning, Naruto raced to the bridge where his teammates waited for him. Kakashi had told them the day before to meet him at 8 o'clock the next morning. None of them had any real hope that he would be there on time, as he never was.

"Morning," Naruto called, waving, as he ran up to Sasuke and Sakura.

"Hn," Sasuke grunted.

"Hey Naruto," Sakura answered.

Poof!

"Hi there," Kakashi-sensei held up his hand in greeting.

The three of them stared at him, blinking slowly.

"What?" Kakashi asked.

"You're not late, Sensei," Sakura pointed out.

"Ah, well I left a little early today," Kakashi put a hand behind his head, his eye crinkling.

"But you're NEVER on time," Naruto said, confused.

Kakashi decided to ignore this, "So let's get started."

"What are we doing today, Sensei?" Naruto asked eagerly, "A mission?"

"Not exactly," Kakashi answered, looking slightly uncomfortable, "We're going to….talk…"

"Talk?" Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "About what?"

"You know…" Kakashi cleared his throat, looking even more uncomfortable, "THE talk... the birds and the bees."

This sentence was met with wide eyed stares and open mouths.

"No!" they yelled in unison.

Kakashi sighed, "It's not like I want to do this. Tsunade decided since you all are twelve…you need to understand a bit more about…relationships."

"Why do YOU have to do it!" Sakura screeched.

_**There is no way I'm listening to Kakashi talk to us about THAT! I'd rather die! Or just kill him! Cha! **_Inner Sakura added forcefully.

"Believe me, I'm not thrilled about this either," Kakashi answered drily, "My idea was just to give you each a copy of Icha Icha Paradise and let you learn from that…but Tsunade decided that wasn't the right way. As to why it's me, Naruto and Sasuke don't have anyone else to teach them, so the job falls to their teacher. As for you, Sakura, your parents felt it would be better to learn from another ninja."

He was again met with wide eyes and open mouths. He gestured for them to sit, which they did with great reluctance.

"So…where to begin," Kakashi said thoughtfully.

Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura were all avoiding looking at each other, staring determinedly in the opposite direction. Kakashi tapped his chin thoughtfully with a finger.

"Well, I'm going to assume you three know the basics about sex right?"

"Uh…" the three exchanged sheepish glances.

Kakashi's one exposed eye widened, "You are 12 years old, how do you not know anything about sex?"

"Most people don't talk to me at all," Naruto pointed out, "I never had anyone to explain about s…s…. the s word."

"My parents didn't ever mention it," Sakura said with a blush, "Anytime I asked they changed to subject."

"I find the entire subject useless," Sasuke spoke up coldly, "My only purpose is the kill my brother, and restore my clan."

Kakashi let out a sigh, "Sasuke…you are the only living Uchiha…to restore your clan, you're going to have to have children…it takes sex to have children."

Sasuke's eyes bulged in surprise. He had never thought of it that way.

"So let's start simple," Kakashi started, "Kissing…"

"We know about kissing Sensei," Sakura said, her teeth clenched.

"Very well," Kakashi inclined his head, he closed his eye, crossed his arms, and began talking in a voice he usually used to describe missions to them. "Let's discuss the difference between a man and a woman then…And how the differences are used to have a sexual relationship…"

Kakashi then began to explain about how exactly a woman and a man have sex. Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura's face got steadily redder as he continued.

"…Now then, if you are not ready to have a baby, certain precautions must be taken, there is birth control, condoms, or the 'pull out' method. I would advise against that, as it doesn't always work…"

Sakura had her face buried in her hands, her face flaming. Naruto's mouth was slightly open in shock, and Sasuke had begun grinding his teeth.

"…If you decide to have sex just for pleasure, foreplay is always a good idea. Now, there are different forms of foreplay, and all are very pleasant. For example…"

Naruto was steadily banging his head against the ground. Sasuke's teeth were still grinding together, his hands clenched into tight fists. Sakura was making small whimpers of embarrassment, her face still buried in her hands.

"…If a woman does become pregnant, sex becomes a little tricky as she grows. There are, however, other positions you can try to make it more comfortable for both of you. Now, when a woman gives birth…"

At this point, Sakura's mouth was open, her eyes wide open in terror as Kakashi described what a woman went through at birth, while Inner Sakura squealed that no man was going to touch her, ever, in a million years, or else she would cut off whatever came closest. Naruto had covered his ears, shaking his head violently. Sasuke had a hand over his mouth, looking green.

"…For a ninja, it can be a little more difficult to have a sexual relationship. It is not a good idea to be in a relationship with a certain person, as they can be used against you by enemies. I would recommend spending your sexual energy on a willing teammate or another ninja, as long as it is kept professional. A 'one-night stand' as they call it, would be the best idea. That way you can still have relief without jeopardizing your ninja career. It can also be quite exciting with another ninja, there are some jutsu that aren't well known that can make the experience more pleasurable, such as…"

Sasuke and Naruto took a quick glance at Sakura, the only female on their team. The look of embarrassment and fury she sent back made them quickly look away.

"…There is also the possibility that you will not find the opposite sex attractive. While not encouraged by most people, it is more than possible to find a sexual relationship with a person of the same sex. There are ways that a woman can please another woman, and a man can please another man. How they do this is…"

Sakura was lying on the ground, out cold, the flood of information too much for her. Naruto and Saskue had scooted as far apart from each other as they could, both looking green and sick. _Please let it be almost over,_ they both thought desperately.

"…Let's discuss the many toys you can get…"

Both groaned in unison.

Finally, several hours later, Kakashi had seemed to have told them everything he could think of. He finally opened his eye to survey his students. Sakura was still passed out, Sasuke's face was beet red, while he mumbled under his breath that maybe he _wouldn't _kill Itachi…let him restore the damn clan. Naruto's face was completely white, his eyes blank, mouth open and drooling.

Kakashi gently poked Sakura, clearing his throat. When the three of them looked at him, he smiled.

"Any questions?"

"NO!"

They all went their separate ways, not even wanting to look at one another. Tsunade suddenly appeared beside him.

"What's wrong with them?" she asked, "Was it that traumatic?"

"Heh…" Kakashi scratched his head, "I might've gone a little overboard…"

Tsunade glared at him, "What do you mean? You were only supposed to warn them to be careful, and to use protection!"

Kakashi looked at her sheepishly, "Well, they didn't know anything about ANYTHING. I kind of panicked a little, so I told them…uh…everything."

Tsunade's face became a mask of fury, "What do you mean, EVERYTHING?"

Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck, "I mean everything I could think of about sex and babies."

Tsunade groaned, looking after the students in sympathy, "They're going to be scarred for life after this…"

THE END

A/N: Thanks so much for reading ^_^ this story was actually quite fun to write. Hope you liked, please leave me a review!


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